It has been almost a year,
A year since I really felt true peace,
and truly optimistic about the circumstance of life.
Of course, life keeps throwing you to the deep end,
That’s what life is,
Just lap after lap from the shallow end to the deep.|
Feeling grateful to stand up and breathe,
Seeing the water under your feet,
But also missing the feeling of being surrounded by the water,
But you always make it through,
You always find a way to come up and breathe,
Push all the water under your feet and stand.
Or at least that’s what I thought.
Lately, all I see is water,
Engulfed by it, surrounded by it,
Plummeting further to the rock bottom.
When family drains you,
Struggling to overcome a lost husband,
Fighting to hold on without a father,
Sucking every last drop of faith you have in yourself,
Because you don’t want to walk the same path they did,
You want to be different, you want to be free
You want to make your own rules.
Leaving you behind in self-doubt and the feeling of guilt.
The guilt of the so-called undone duties,
And apparently putting yourself first against their will.
And you turn to your partner,
A recently distant, experimental relationship,
Craving for comfort,
Just expecting open ears,
But it has also been bleeding you out.
Because well, it’s not what they signed up for, is it?
The distance, the inconvenience,
Their need to live life to the fullest trumps all,
Your needs, your emotions, your difficulties, and your journey,
The empathy slipping when the going gets tough.
How to deal with these unwarranted tears?
And when expectations lie on your shoulders,
You need to keep calm and deal with it, well because it’s affecting them!!
When only expectations burden your shoulder and not solace.
Because you are not allowed to take your time and learn to swim.
You need to find your moral, emotional, mental GPS fast!
Nobody has all the time in the world,
The time to wait for you to figure out how to keep swimming.
No one wants to JUST be there.
Just swim by your side,
Just listen, just let you cry,
No expectations, no rewards,
Well, except that one old friend,
True to you and true to themselves.
Who knows everything you are going through from miles away.
Just one call away.
They are there always there,
Without even asking for it,
When shit hits the roof,
When you can’t find a reason to smile,
When you are absolutely lost,
Like a huge wave carrying you to the surface,
Giving you the hope of a better time to come,
To just be patient,
To fight through it.|
And just for that brief second, you can see the surface,
And you start swimming,
Pushing through the water.
Almost to the surface,
Until you hang up the phone call.
Alone again in the vastness of the water.
In spite of the people in your life, still feeling lonely.
When a single creeping thought drops you all the way back.
Lost, suffocating, and gasping for that air.
Back underwater, back to rock bottom,
Back to your house, doesn’t feel like home anymore
No more your safe space, your sanctuary.
Back to the family, back to reality.
And the cycle continues,
Over and over again.
Raising unwanted questions,
About your decisions, your future, your present,
And everything that you are living by, living for, and will be living with.
What are you doing??!!
Where are you going??
Will you really make it?
But you have been programmed to believe in yourself.
That you will conquer alone or otherwise,
And there is still hope,
The hope for that wave to hit again,
Offering you that life jacket,
The push you have been dying for,
To swim past the current, past all the pressure.
All the way to the surface.
Because remember water is never stagnant,
It’s ever moving.
And so is life.
And you will find your wave,
Which will push you past the currents
And throw you to the other side.
All at the same time, floating beneath your feet,
While you breathe the reward of optimism.
And then you would have learned the secret,
The secret to summon your wave and learn to swim,
And it’s just a matter of time.
And the wave will be worth the time.
Because the wave is the journey,
The journey of a lifetime.